Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
