you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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