you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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