i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
