he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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