The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
