So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
