There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
