my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
