Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
