dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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