Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
