I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
