I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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