So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
babies were throwing up all over the place
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
