I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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