new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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