Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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