So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
