In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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