i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
