do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
