My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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