At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
