this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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