where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
The best revenge is premature balding
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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