Got a toothbrush?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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