I accidentally burped into my bong.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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