just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
