i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
