if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
