Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
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