I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
