Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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