Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
