you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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