my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
