And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
