Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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