paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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