You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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