I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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