Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
