OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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