I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
