My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Randomize
