I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
