dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
one might say we're banned from that church
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
