Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
