In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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