he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
