Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
