she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
