Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize