You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
