my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
