no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
