someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
